status report

Everyone else in the house is sawing logs -- FINALLY -- so it's my big chance to, with trepidation, approach the unfamiliar keyboard (I'm totally used to my ergonomic one at work, and it's hard to go back) and ...
BLOG FROM HOME. Yes, ladies and gents. In honor of the new year, I'll actually make use of the fact that we've had the internet at home for several months now.

I've been thinking about the fact that some of my friends who read this haven't known me for long, and might be curious about some bits of recent history that maybe you don't come right out and ask about in the three minutes that you might talk to me after our church service. Likewise, there are other, older friends who might be curious about how recent events are -- or aren't? -- progressing. So, though I urge one and all to ask anything they'd like, because honestly, I have no secrets anymore, I'm going to try to assuage potential curiosity a little.
If you are all too familiar with the first story, perhaps the second story will be of some interest. Or not. It's certainly not on par with tales and concerns of starving people in Africa, or even overcrowded people in Manassas, but it's what's been on my mind, so I suppose that alone gives it some small degree of import.
And, I wouldn't blame you at all if you skipped this entire thing, because I'm mostly done with it (skipping back up to warn you), and it's REALLY LONG. Sorry. No offense taken if you don't bother. Think of it more as a reference material, if you like.

The obvious: Matt and I are together now, and we have a three-year-old. Since I'm not a big fan of having kids out of wedlock, nor living with a guy I'm dating, it's a bit odd that I've done (or are doing) both. By way of explanation, not excuse -- Matt and I were dating. I got pregnant. I didn't want to rush into a marriage that I was totally not sure about, and in fact I had serious doubts. Mostly due to Matt's lack of, er, being on the same page spiritually, I guess. He was different than me, which was of course a large part of the attraction at first, but eventually there comes a time where I had to maturely assess what was up with us. And, as I got pregnant, clearly all was not right anyway. Then there's the bit of psychoanalysis you can apply, if you like, regarding the fact that Kate rarely HAS ever dated a Christian -- could it be some sort of fear of things working out for the long term? But let's skip lightly over these details and get to my point -- I didn't want to get married right away. Matt did. He was ready to have a family, and live up to this responsibility that we'd created. I just needed to be "sure." Heh, as if such a thing were possible... But, nonetheless, I had to CHOOSE it, somehow. So I gave myself an arbitrary deadline -- June 2003. I had Lizzy in November of 2002, and wanted to make sure I wasn't deciding anything based on hormones or stress or sleeplessness or convenience or anything I'd regret. In that time, poor Matt tried to be as supportive as he knew how, and was doing all the great daddy stuff, and gently asking now and then if there was any chance we could be together.

(here's the part that's really embarrassing)

Then I got back in touch with this guy I dated before I moved to D.C. He still loved me, and we decided to get back together, long-distance. And he's a CHRISTIAN. So, you know, it must be "meant to be." And a really nice guy. We traveled through Europe a lot and he was a lot of fun to spend time with while I was in Germany.
I totally blindsided Matt with this info., and he sadly moved all of his stuff out of my one-bedroom apartment, where he'd been sleeping on the couch for about nine months, and we traded Lizzy back and forth for the next, oh, year or so. Which, need I say, was horrible. The big things -- is he feeding her good food? Will he hear her if she wakes up in the night? Will he remember everything she needs for day care the next morning? Will he drive her safely during that long commute from Manassas to Rosslyn, when it's just the two of them in the car? -- to the minor stuff -- do I have an outfit I don't necessarily like too much that I can put her in, because Matt will be picking her up, and i don't want something I really like disappearing until it's too small for her any more? are haunting us daily.
So the old/new boyfriend/sort of fiance guy actually gets a job here and moves. And I realize preeeetty much as soon as I see him at the airport that I've made a huge mistake. I'm fond of him. He's a very dear man. But by no means am I in love with this guy. And, in the ensuing weeks, I realize that, in fact, he is driving me nuts. I start picking fights when he discusses how we will be merging and arranging our finances, etc. I start resenting the fact that he doesn't know EXACTLY how Lizzy's and my daily lives are set; how things work as a part-time single mom. Though he is eager -- far too eager -- to learn and help. In short -- it's bad, bad, bad. So we break up, about six or seven weeks after he moves here to be with us forever.
Ugh.
But don't feel too bad for him; he met someone about a month later and very recently married her. So, God works in mysterious ways. Or, the guy was really REALLY ready to get married. Or both. Depending on your level of cynicism. As for me, I just wish him well, and it's scary how little I care. A sign that all is well juuust as it is. And that's good, because we still work in the same office... Yikes.

So, I'm free of men! Of pressure! Of someone telling me how to balance my checkbook. It feels GREAT. I don't need a man! I am a strong and independent woman, blah blah blah. And while that's all well and good, Matt sneaks under my radar again. (Darn him!!) I think the news that ex-loverboy was moving to town sounded the death knell for him for any hope of us getting back together, so he let his guard down, and we actually talked when we called each other out of necessity to work out who had Lizzy when or whatever. So he sort of let me in again. Told me what he was up to and stuff. And I told him I wondered if I was making a mistake with the other guy.
When Fiance Guy and I broke up, it wasn't too long before I remembered why Matt was so attractive to me in the first place. He and I have a connection that I've never had with another guy before. He really 'gets' me. And oddly, he has incredible insights into stuff - perhaps all the more because he IS on the "outside" of stuff like religion or church-going. He's very funny, and he thinks I am, too. And I feel so comfortable with him. And so secure. And he is SUCH a great daddy. Something that you can get a feel for before you marry a guy and have kids, but really -- do you KNOW? I would have guessed that he would be, but there's something about seeing it.
And Lizzy loves her daddy so, so much. I'm not back with him (since August '04) because of Lizzy, or for her sake. But it's a huge bonus.

Last winter, we looked for a house -- technically, I bought it, but Matt helps pay the mortgage. It wasn't something I really sought God's will about. I think because I was afraid he would say no. Which, yeah, is dumb. But the apartment I was in was getting way too small, noisy, etc. We needed more. So we lost our fabulous location (Rosslyn), and gained a long, stressful commute, but man are the weekends nice! We avoid the car at all costs.

So here we are, back together, with a three-year-old, co-habitating. What are we up to? And the answer is: Trying to figure out how to get married without spending any money. :) (I joke, but, then again, I don't.) And, just trying to figure out how this works for us, when we started everything backwards. We know it's ridiculous to be where we are and not be married. And the great temptation, at least for me, is to just go to the justice of the peace, or the courthouse, or wherever one gets hitched without any hoopla, and GET IT OVER WITH, already. This has been The Topic between us (around various house repair concerns, etc.) over the past six months or more.
And at this point, we still don't know. Yes, it would be fun to have some event to which my friends could come. But at this point, I have a lot of friends who live all over the place! And I really don't need a Princess Day, where I get to wear a big dress and be the center of attention. Seriously. I don't. There's something about having a princess of my own who is the center of every day's attention that makes me a little more pragmatic about all this.

So on to the last part of my gigantic post, which totally contradicts the above point about not wanting to spend any money on anything unnecessary...

THE RING

The ex-fiance guy was EXTREMELY practical. He also fancied himself to be quite a romantic, but it was apparently a different sort of romantic than I am. I'm pretty practical, in general. I mean, I'll blow money here and there -- I'm a big fan of Starbucks, for example -- but I am not too keen on being told that I need to have 18 red roses in February, or my significant other doesn't love me, and oh yes, that'll be $65. I have more of a, 'oh! you remembered when I off-handedly told you that Hugh Laurie wrote a book, and you ordered it for me off Amazon for Christmas? That is incredibly sweet!' kind of a sense of appreciation. Anyway, this guy thought it best if I didn't have an engagement ring. Two things in his defense: He had just climbed out of a mountain of college debt and didn't want to take on any more, and I told him that this notion was fine. Because, as I said, I'm practical. I don't need a ring!
Except that, of course, I kind of did want one. Nothing big and fancy. But, um, I like rings. And I like the idea that my husband-to-be would like to put a symbol on my hand that I was his, and that we were getting married. I know. Feminists everywhere are spinning in their graves. But I think it's a cool symbol. And, also, probably, it's a neat excuse to get some nice bling.

So Matt, bless his heart, is okay with the ring concept. But a lot of how he operates (I guess this is relationships in general?) is to try to read between the lines of what I say, and guess what I REALLY think. I witnessed this dynamic occasionally between my parents as I was growing up, and almost without fail, it would result in us doing something NO ONE wanted to do. (usually, what restaurant to eat at, or once, unfortunately, which West End show to see in London.) I'm not a big fan of the game -- I'd rather take what the significant other says at face value and force him to deal with the consequences of what he said he wanted -- but it turns out, darn it, that Matt is usually right when he plays this guessing game of "what Kate's really thinking." In this case, I contended that I DIDN'T REALLY CARE what the ring looked like -- well, I had preferences, but it's not like I'm going to find the One Ring To Rule Them All, and sheeminey, let's just buy something and get ON with it! We don't have a lot of free time to waste. He said, no. You'll be wearing this for the rest of your life. You go out and find what you like! And report back.
Oh, I should mention also (remember, I'm not a romantic) that I wanted to be part of the selection process. A BIG part. Because Matt does have a sense of style and all that, but if I don't even know what I like, how's he gonna know? So I insisted, and I suspect he was rather relieved that he didn't have to guess at it all by himself.
So we go a few places together, I see something that seems okay, the salespeople try to shove it down our throats, we get turned off by the sales process and leave, and Matt doesn't see enough of a gleam in my eye to pull the trigger, anyway. Repeat process several times.
Finally, I go to Tyson's mall myself and check out a few places. And then I find it: The Ring I Love. It is sold at the only jewelry store ON THE PLANET that doesn't offer insurance of any kind, a cleaning service, nothing. And, oddly (but nicely), the salespeople don't work on commission, so they're kind and helpful, but don't really care whether you buy the thing or not. I take Matt in to see the ring. He also LOVES it. It costs, incidentally, as much as we said we wanted to spend -- for the setting alone. Pre-diamond. Whoops.
And they're not offering any deals, and they never have sales. It is apparently the Shoppers Food Warehouse of rings. Except for the inexpensive part of Shoppers. I wasn't worried about the lack of insurance policy, because I can get that through my homeowner's, and blahblahblah okay pressing on for the benefit of those who have actually read ths far.
So we've been fretting about this for a month or two. We find another jeweler (a friend's recommendation) who tried to scout out the ring and get hold of the same thing from the manufacturer. But the ring's mislabeled -- the manufacturer doesn't have a ring like it on its Web site, and the ID number of the ring doesn't match any style that they sell. So this guy describes the ring to the manufacturer (he went to the first store to check it out), and the manufacturer says they'll make another and ship it over. Matt rubs hands gleefully over getting a deal (he hopes). Kate feels guilty about shafting the first jewelry store. (Kate is crap at business transactions of any kind. As a child, I ran a killer lemonade stand, but as an adult, I can't stand business propositions.)
Then, the "deal" guy doesn't call back. And doesn't call back and doesn't call back. When Matt is able to reach him, he claims not to have received the ring yet, but he'll let us know! He never does. The capper came last week when a lady put Matt on hold for 15 minutes, until Matt's guy gets unbusy, during which Matt's guy left for his long weekend. They told Matt they'd have the ring by Christmas. Then they suggested, perhaps new year's. (Matt wasn't going to propose then; it just sounded like a nifty deadline. But they don't know that.) Clearly, they blew both of those. So now Matt doesn't know whether to go with the sure, more expensive thing, or hope that a) this guy DOES get the ring together sometime, and b) actually has the right ring.
Because, as Matt knew and Kate discovered, Kate does care. Kate cares very much. She just didn't know it.

At this point, I'm quite tempted not to trust my judgment on anything. (referring more to the earlier part of this post) But life doesn't really give you that option so much, so I'm just trying to apply it to the humility pile and press on as best I/we know how. And, as I said regarding the Christmas tree decorating, it's just nice to know that there's someone corporeal (there's God, obviously, too) to lean on and throw ideas around with. And be with. Because sometimes -- just sometimes -- Matt does know best. And when he doesn't, hey, that's cool, too, because then I get to be right! YESSSSSSSS.

I'll let you know (obviously) how that whole ring thing goes.

It's been funny, talking about future plans -- when/how/if? to have a wedding, etc. -- when we aren't even engaged. But that's the life we've made together. And so far, it's been pretty fun, all things considered.

(but I don't recommend doing it this way... Things are "supposed" to be the way they are for a reason. There. Moment of hypocrisy over.)

And, for all the folks whom apparently I have misled as to my age -- I AM THIRTY-FOUR. So, I have been having serious baby fever lately, too. Lots to get resolved in the next year or two.