kingdom of heaven

I warn you now, file this one under "angsty".
On Sunday, we did indeed discuss -- or really, hear about -- the Kingdom of God, when a dear friend of mine came to visit our church to recite, from memory, the Sermon on the Mount. Good going, Steve-o! I've heard him do it before, a few years ago, after he first memorized it. It was more a recitation then. He really got going with the inflections and little actor-y additions that made it so much more interesting this time around. It had me wondering not only, "What was Jesus saying?" but, "How did he say it?" Sometimes, the way something is delivered makes all the difference. Was Jesus ever sarcastic? I don't have an example at hand, but it seems like at times he was. He was a pretty sharp dude. He knew what was up. Nothing was hidden from him. I love that. Sometimes I feel like lots of folks (who don't know him very well) think that God is a big dummy. I don't mean that to sound smug -- I don't have any kind of inside track -- but it just cracks me up sometimes when people say things that paint an entirely different picture of the God I know.
(but not Steve -- he did a great job. Just in case there's confusion there.)

Anyway. I knew Steve would be presenting, and that was cool. What I did not know was that he would bring an entourage -- several more dear friends from across town, whom I almost never get to see any more. What with Mike and Stacy, Steve, Gospel Matt and Amy there, it was almost like ... heaven. ;) It was almost like being in our old church again, especially since this was the first Sunday I've attended the present church when we've had music worship. The conventional kind, that is -- singing, guitars and drums and pianos and a lead singer doing their thing in the background. It was really touching. Amy and I both cried. Cried for our old church, which is no more... and maybe cried a bit out of gratitude for the friendships that were forged there. I don't know that I'll ever have the chance to be that close with people outside of my immediate family ever again. It's a season that has mostly gone. And I'm sad, so sad, for that. But so grateful that it happened -- I think a lot of people go through life without much interrelational intimacy at all. For various reasons. I think the kingdom of heaven is like people who love each other, whether in their hearts or maybe sometimes just in their actions, and who rejoice and mourn and offend and forgive and tease and support and just DO LIFE together.
re: the old church -- the funny thing is, it was just what I needed when it was there, and when my life changed drastically, it did, too. And now that I could use a nice, real community again -- one with people who, in their own unique, beautiful ways are pursuing Christ, and one with families! and kids!! in it, no less -- one has come into my life. Or I've come into it. God keeps putting AMAZING people into my life. I was crying Sunday out of joy and gratitude for that, but out of frustration because when I see them sometimes, most of the time, I want to grab onto them and quite possibly strangle and threaten to drown them with the desperation with which I want to commune with them. But I don't want to scare them.
A dear, dear friend in this new community said something recently which I have hesitated to process here for fear she regrets saying it. I'm glad she did, because I didn't realize it before. She said sometimes (paraphrasing -- this was awhile ago) I seem reluctant to hug. Or stoic. Or something. I don't really remember. I think the upshot was that the other party isn't always clear if a hug is okay. Now you know why, at times, I am reluctant to hug -- I don't want to drown you with my need for community and connection. With my, gosh darn it, love for what special people you all are.
So I was very excited to hear that a "women's retreat" of sorts is in the works for this coming Friday night. So all of us unique, beautiful, broken women can get together and eat, drink, laugh, cry or whatever the heck we feel like. I'm really looking forward to getting to know you better, ladies. :)