aftermath

Well, we're back.
Sort of.

Mentally: Mostly. I had my usual couple of days of melancholy and depression on Monday and Tuesday. The usual follow-up to a trip to the West Coast, especially to see family. It's just depressing to realize, "Hey, I'm on the East Coast. How did that happen again? And, when will I get to see my family again, after this?" I never have satisfactory answers to those questions. But, here we are, so let's make the most of it. And, truly, I do feel that Matt and Lizzy are primarily my family. But I miss everyone else, too.

In many ways, the past couple of weeks have been such a rich time of family and friends, some of whom I almost never see. Some family and friends, I didn't get to see much at all of, which was a bummer, but I knew it would be that way, so -- okay. One has only so much time. Unfortunately, that's true in the long term, as well. I just want MORE TIME -- more time with my family. More time traveling. More time soaking up my daughter's hugs and proclamations of surprise/insight/playfulness/anger. Whatever she feels like throwing at me. It was just so much fun to spend time with her most of last week. She had a field trip on Wednesday -- the day care did their annual trip to a pumpkin patch in Maryland. I'd gone the two previous years, but there was no way I could swing it on our deadline day, the week after I'd missed so much work. I was totally bummed. She, though, had a great time, apparently. "Milking the cow" was her favorite part. I am so sorry I missed that. Just as I miss so much else of her day. Almost every day.

I'm starting to get depressed all over again.

We haven't fully returned physically, either. This has been Lizzy's refrain the past few nights: "I don't WANT to go to bed! I can't fall asleep! I don't know how to do it!"
At 11 p.m.
By this time, I am begging her to go to sleep, as I want to, myself.
The little girl's still on West Coast time.

I must say, though, it feels good to be married. It feels different, in some hard-to-discern way. Seeing the ring on MY HUSBAND'S hand makes me feel proud. It looks good on him. And, he's such a great guy. Which I knew, but ... I keep seeing glimpses of it through other people's eyes, and I totally eat it up. I talked to my mom the other night. "What's Matt up to?" she asked. "Oh, he's at the grocery store," I replied. "You have the perfect husband," she said. Heh! I kind of do.

For his part, he asked, with much trepidation, if he could go to a party on Saturday night that a bunch of his friends are going to. "Sure!" I said. "I just want to spend some time with Lizzy this weekend. Besides, you haven't seen much of your friends for the past few months." He looked at me as if I were a winning lottery ticket. Pleased, but dubious of his good fortune. Fair enough. I don't often respond to that request in quite that unselfish a fashion.

As for the wedding and reception themselves: They came together amazingly well. Amazingly well! My two minor complaints about that day are that 1) my daughter was such a wet blanket, and 2) the staff of the inn was actually a bit overzealous about cleaning up. Every time I put down a drink, it was whisked away. Grrr. But those are teeny tiny things. We felt so blessed, by God and by our families and friends, and felt such an (often uncharacteristic) sense of joy all around us, and the event, that day. I found myself wishing that I had been a guest at the wedding, instead of IN the wedding. I had been told repeatedly what a blur the day will be, how little chance we'll get to have deep conversations, or eat anything, etc., but I didn't expect ... so little chance to stop and take things in. I can relate to my friend, the Mrs., when she says she hopes to relive her lovely event of last year when she goes to other weddings. Weddings have always been an occasion of deep stock-taking and introspection for me. (unless I'm the bride) :) And there's nothing like settling the entire bill the very next day to rub off a bit of the glow. But I know myself -- I absorb things very slowly. I have to process things for a long time. As I might have said before (and I hope Lizzy never reads this), I didn't even feel like I wanted to be a mom for, oh, the first year or so of my child's life. In a sense, I mean. So it will take me awhile -- let's hope, not the rest of my life -- to make some sense of myself as a married woman, and to put that day into perspective and to truly savor it. The awesome photography will help a great deal.

Two things I have learned, that I hadn't exactly heard before, that would've made the day even better:

1) What you haven't accomplished (programs, favors, etc.) by the end of the day two days before the wedding, just forget about. It's not worth the stress it will cause you.
2) Arrange to have food brought to your room that night -- or bring it yourself. Or be somewhere where it can be obtained. You do not want to be throwing up on your wedding night because you had alcohol and not enough food that day. (sorry to out you, dear!)
3) (which totally DID happen, in my case) Surround yourself with good, capable people -- some of whom have 'gone there before' -- and accept their offers of help. They will save the day.

So many people helped in so many ways, expected and unexpected. Too many to mention. The friend who tried, so hard, to get my daughter calm enough to walk up the aisle, and who ended up carrying her because it was the only way. The friend who saw that the video camera (his) that had been borrowed for the occasion wasn't being put to use, because of a small planning snafu, so he found it and held it up for the entire ceremony because he couldn't find the tripod. The friend who took care of another friend's fussy child so that the child's parents could stand up with the bride and groom. The friends who stayed with my daughter while she slept, in a room up away from the action, so we could enjoy the reception, even though it meant that they couldn't. And on. And on. And on.

We had a pretty nice reception at my aunt's house the following Saturday, as well. And two lovely days in Seattle! I was tired before of the lack of indy-type coffee houses in the greater D.C. area, but now ... man. I am almost ready to give up coffee entirely, in protest.
Almost.
We spent two nights in the MarQueen on Queen Anne, for those of you intimately familiar with Seattle. We swung by Uptown Coffee two or three times -- home of the velvet foam. We saw starfish in the water, from the pier! So wild. We saw Experience Music Project (for Matt), the Sci-Fi Museum (for me), and the Children's Museum (for Guess Who) -- all at Seattle Center. (How did I not know before that Mel Blanc voiced that irritating robot on the original 'Battlestar Galactica'? I hang my head in shame!) We swung through Pike Place, of course. We went to the original Starbucks store (but I didn't buy coffee there. Just a "bearista." I successfully boycotted Starbucks coffee products for our short visit.) Best of all, we found the most awesome little diner I have seen since this kicky little place I used to go in Germany. That was called Cafe Chaos -- this one was called Minnie's Diner, or some such thing (Schuyler or Maggie can correct me). We were just aimlessly wandering one weekday morning, wishing for a greasy spoon-type diner, and this place appeared out of nowhere. The perfect place. We saw the 24-hour sign, and knew we were in for a treat. Throughout our meal -- prepared by the lady who took our order, which for some reason really impresses me -- we heard Seattle grunge music from the '90s. Matt and I were beside ourselves. Fresh-squeezed orange juice. Fresh peaches IN my pancakes. Lizzy had chocolate chip pancakes, with whipped cream and chocolate sauce on top. (hey -- we were on vacation!) So what if the bill came to about $45. Some things are worth it.
And it was the most gorgeous day -- THE most gorgeous day. As if the entire city wanted to seduce Matt and convince him never to return East.

Sigh.

Even our flights were all on time, and we sat together on all of them. There's a first time for everything.

Also -- God bless the inventors of the portable DVD player. GOD BLESS THEM.