Wednesday, March 26, 2008

an angry klutz

It is with some measure of shame that I admit the following Pregnancy Trend. And yet, is it a cop out to list this under the heading 'pregnancy trend'? Am I giving myself a too-handy excuse? Perhaps my pregnant and once-pregnant sisters (in spirit -- I have no blood sisters in fact, but I do have a sister in law that is well familiar with pregnancy) can be the judges.

I have noticed quite recently that I am prone to going way overboard when incited. I can point to huge flame-ups in the past week alone, once with the hubby and once with a coworker (I advise squabbling with neither -- better to pick random fellow metro passengers to vent your anger at, if necessary), in situations in which I might have otherwise been much less volatile. In these cases, however, I literally saw spots in front of my eyes, and a rush of anger filled me. And I spoke out, knowing that I shouldn't. (and no, my dear husband, I'm not even referring to this morning's brief couch-cushion spat. That doesn't even count. Though it's just possibly a case of me overreacting.)

I do remember this sort of thing occurring with the last pregnancy. I attribute it in part to the 'growing of a backbone,' something I needed to do somewhat the last time around. The general not caring so much about others' opinions; the relying on one's own motherly instincts to decide the good of one's offspring. The shrugging off of others' reasons to dislike the name you've chosen for your unborn child ("but I had an aunt Liz who was an alcoholic!") are of no concern to you.

But this time, it's just ridiculous. It's pointless. It serves no productive purpose. I'm just busy alienating those around me, some of whom I actually love, and all of whom I must coexist with peacefully. So perhaps this comes as some sort of confession. I have not behaved at my best recently. I need to do better.

As for the klutziness, that's just random. I realize it's to be expected, but it just seems like DUMB things, not imbalance sort of stuff. I tried to toss my keys to Matt last night in the grocery store -- an ill-advised maneuver in the first place -- and somehow threw them straight up in the air. (I was trying to avoid throwing overhand, and there wasn't enough room to create a good underhand arc, is the only reason I can come up with.) Another day, I tripped over a broom as a guy in Starbucks tried to sweep up right behind me. Fortunately, I'm a 'coordinated klutz', as one old friend called me -- he actually wasn't sure whether I was a clumsy coordinated person, or the other way 'round; it's not just a pregnancy thing? -- so I haven't fallen or anything scary like that. But I just feel ... vulnerable. And a little out of control, mentally and physically. And, hello, does it HAVE to be so darned easy to make me cry??

Speaking of trends, Lizzy's been more of a little drama queen stinker recently. Especially at school. If you ask me, it just drives home the point that we perhaps should have had this second kid years ago, to give her some competition and humility. Her teacher thinks she's acting out a bit (pushing other kids the other day, for example -- she says they 'stood too close' to her) because she feels threatened by kid No. 2. But I really don't buy that. She seems nothing but delighted and determined to be a great helper and wonderful big sister, where the baby is concerned. I just think, as I said, she's been too long the 'tiny tyrant', as my grandmother said in her infancy, of our household. She's not always willing to cede authority. Which doesn't speak awfully well of our parenting, that's for sure.

I ask you, previously pregnant ladies -- am I alone in my quick-to-angerness? Or did you experience something similar?

1 comment:

  1. OOOH yeah. Embarrassing but true:

    There was the faculty meeting I left in tears--literally sobbing down the street--because I felt completely dismissed and humiliated (my husband, also present and generally clued in, hadn't noticed anything weird).

    And the grocery store where I got so upset I was almot shaking over the way I felt the clerk treated my inquiry into a mispriced item.

    It's like you're running toward a cliff marked Pregnancy Hormones, and in spite of the signage, you just go hurtling over.